One Day at a Time

I hate that I’m back in my depressed state of mind. I have never wanted to end my life as much as I do right now. I can’t take any of this shit anymore. I’m at my wits end. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. It’s always just one thing after another. I can’t even have just one day where at least one thing goes right. It doesn’t matter how hard I work to make things better. Something always comes along to ruin everything. I’m so close to just giving up on absolutely everything. I’m such a screw up. I can’t do anything right. My family has completely given up on me. The few friends that I have barely even talk to me anymore. I honestly feel like no one even cares about me anymore. If I did kill myself I highly doubt that anybody would even care and if they do, I’m sure they would get over it pretty quickly. I’m a fuck up. And I don’t deserve to live. If I died it would truly just make things a lot easier for everybody. I’m sorry for everything I’ve put everybody through. I wish things weren’t the way they are right now and I wish I could make everything better but I can’t. Killing myself sounds like the best option right now. It would make everything so much easier for my friends and family. I wouldn’t be a burden anymore. Because that’s all I feel like I am to everybody. I’m a burden and a fuck up and I don’t deserve to live.

100 days deep and I feel like shit. I’ve been really triggered to use for the last two weeks. And I could so easily relapse right now and that scares the shit out of me. I’ve been feeling so out of touch with reality lately. I feel like I’m not even alive right now, just kind of… existing I guess. And the thing is, I have no idea why I want to use so badly right now. I don’t know what triggered me. And that’s horrible because if I don’t know what triggered me, I don’t know how to go about making myself feel better. My mind is my own worst enemy. I’ve been trying to convince myself how awesome it would be to use again, even if it’s just once. But I know that I couldn’t do it just one time. That sort of thinking is what turned me into a fucking heroin addict. 

I don’t know. I don’t even know what to do. I’m 100 days sober today and I don’t feel at all accomplished or proud of myself. I feel like a worthless piece of pathetic shit. 

(Source: sheisnotdead)

I’ve been sober for 95 days today! 

I would have never thought that I would be 100% sober from all drugs including alcohol for over 3 months. It’s all very surreal. But I’m really proud of myself. And those words have never come out of my mouth before I started recovery. But it’s true, I really am proud of all the things that I’ve done in order to obtain a sober lifestyle. And I’ve had to overcome MANY things in the course of these last 3 months. I’m trying so unbelievably hard to remain sober because if  I relapse I know I will die. I’m fighting for my life right now and I’m going to continue to do so. 

5 more days and I’ll be 100 days sober! 

(Source: sheisnotdead)

I’m graduating from IOP tomorrow. I’m scared. I’m proud. I’m hopeful. I’m worried. It’s all very bittersweet. I don’t want to leave because I’m so used to going and I get so much out of it everyday. I’m not worried that I’m going to relapse, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to handle reality. I’ve hid from it for 3 years. And now I have to face it head on. But I have support from so many people. And I’m so grateful for each person who has helped me through this process and for each person who will continue to help me. I’m going to miss the group members so much. Each of them has played a role in my recovery, whether it be a big role or a small one. Each and every one of them is important to me. I just hope we stay in contact. And I hope they stay strong. And I hope I stay strong. 

There are big changes coming my way. Am I ready for them? Maybe. But I guess that’s just how life is. And I’m okay with that. 

Today someone from my IOP group graduated. Me and this girl really connected and it makes me really sad to see her go. But on the other hand I’m happy she graduated because she’s done so good and now she doesn’t need the guidance anymore. Today was emotional to say the least. But her graduating makes me think of when I leave, which is in a week and a half. I’m actually really scared. I don’t know if I’ll maintain my sobriety. I hope I will but there are no guarantees. I now have the tools to help me in recovery but that doesn’t mean I’ll use them. I’m going to try to though. It’ll take some adjusting before I’m used to not going to group three times a week. It’s back to reality and that scares the fuck out of me. 

I’ve been feeling very apprehensive lately. Having opportunities thrown in my face at every turn has been shattering my strength. I haven’t quite been myself lately. Well I guess I haven’t quite been myself for the past two years. I’ve completely lost myself. How do you regain something you never knew anything about in the first place? I’ve been thinking about that question a lot lately. I have never known my true self. So how do I find myself? I’ve been trying so hard to get better and I feel like it’s all been a huge waste of time. I continue to go one step forward and two steps back. No matter how hard I try, something always pushes me backwards. And I’m losing the strength to push myself past these obstacles. And I’ve been questioning why I’m in recovery at all. 

Stay out of my head. Get the fuck out of my head. I can’t be thinking about you anymore. You ruined my fucking life and left me damaged. I don’t want you back in my life, so why are you constantly on my mind? I’m going crazy with all these thoughts of you. I hate that you’re so enticing to me especially at times like this. Fuck, you’re enticing to me all the fucking time. But you’re so controlling, you manipulated me into doing things I never wanted to do. But you made me feel so good. You made me feel whole. You made me feel like I could do anything in the world. But it was all lies. I never really felt good, I was never whole, and you made it hard for me to do anything I wanted in life. I couldn’t do anything with you around. I was so hypnotized by you. You were all I cared about. You were all I thought about. And even now I still can’t stop thinking about you. Get out of my head, get out of my fucking head. You don’t belong there. 

Struggling with addiction is one of the worst things I think I’ve ever gone through. And knowing that it won’t ever go away is terrifying. I’ll be an addict for the rest of my life. Even if I’m clean and sober I’ll always have that addict inside of me waiting for the perfect moment to come to life again. And at this moment in my life I have nothing to fall back on and catch me from doing what I know I shouldn’t. And that’s what I’m searching for. Something that will catch me at a weak moment. I don’t want it to be a person. I want it to be something inside of myself. I don’t want to become dependent on someone again. I want to be dependent on myself. I want to be strong like I used to be. And I know in time my strength and will to actually live will come back. But for now, I’ll just take things one day at a time.