I hate that I’m back in my depressed state of mind. I have never wanted to end my life as much as I do right now. I can’t take any of this shit anymore. I’m at my wits end. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. It’s always just one thing after another. I can’t even have just one day where at least one thing goes right. It doesn’t matter how hard I work to make things better. Something always comes along to ruin everything. I’m so close to just giving up on absolutely everything. I’m such a screw up. I can’t do anything right. My family has completely given up on me. The few friends that I have barely even talk to me anymore. I honestly feel like no one even cares about me anymore. If I did kill myself I highly doubt that anybody would even care and if they do, I’m sure they would get over it pretty quickly. I’m a fuck up. And I don’t deserve to live. If I died it would truly just make things a lot easier for everybody. I’m sorry for everything I’ve put everybody through. I wish things weren’t the way they are right now and I wish I could make everything better but I can’t. Killing myself sounds like the best option right now. It would make everything so much easier for my friends and family. I wouldn’t be a burden anymore. Because that’s all I feel like I am to everybody. I’m a burden and a fuck up and I don’t deserve to live.
I’m tired of people walking all over me. I’m in one of the worst situations I’ve ever been in and people still think that since I’m “nice” I’ll do ridiculously outrageous things for them.
I’m a recovering addict so no I will not help you find drugs. And no I will not “lend” you money for those drugs when I have absolutely no money myself. It’s a struggle for me to even eat everyday so what makes you think I’ll give you money?
I seriously hate people so much. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised though because people are greedy and they always will be.
The only reason I haven’t been on here lately is because my new roommates can’t afford internet and I can’t afford to help pay for it yet. So I don’t have access to the internet and I won’t for awhile. I’m at my parents’ house right now spending Christmas day with them. So that’s why I’m able to get on here.
I’m not doing very good at my new place. I’m living with my friend and her husband. All they do is bicker and bring me into the middle of their arguments. I’m so tired of it. And they have this goddamn puppy that annoys the shit out of me. They think that now that I live with them, I’m all of a sudden going to take care of this dog… Nope. It’s not mine, bitch.
I miss my old room and my old bed. I miss my old bathroom and shower. I even miss my old motherfucking toilet. I hate this. I hate this so much. And I wish I could fix things but everything is just so out of control right now and there’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to keep pretending like I’m doing perfectly ok with all this. But I’m not. I’m not ok with this. And I won’t ever be ok with this.
And I could really use a friend right now. But no body understands. It’s hard talking to people who have no idea how I feel. Saying things like “Well let me know if I can do anything for you” or “I’m so sorry” or “I’m here if you need anything” only goes so far. I feel like I’m completely alone in this. And I’m getting more and more suicidal by the day. It’s not getting any better. I just don’t know what to even do anymore. I feel like a worthless piece of fucking shit. God, I’ve really fucking done it this time, haven’t I?
I’ve totally created a monster and I don’t know what to do about it. This needs to stop right now or else this is going to result in a lot of people getting hurt. I can’t even believe this is happening. And I can’t believe that this is all my fault.
I’m such a fuck up. I don’t deserve all the nice things I have. I don’t deserve my amazing family. I don’t deserve my wonderful friends.
I don’t deserve to live.
Are you kidding me? I guess so, since I’m not doing much.
A. If you could get away with one murder in your lifetime without any legal, social, or emotional repercussions, would you kill someone?
Yeah I definitely would. I have a few people in mind but I’m not going to say who because they might see this.
B. What is your first thought when you receive a message on Tumblr, are you excited for the idea of someone from potentially the other side of the world wanting to talk to you or fearful that someone will criticize you?
Neither I guess. I’m usually a little happy I suppose because I’ve been getting a lot of messages from people talking about sobriety and stuff like that. Now and then I’ll get an anonymous message saying to kill myself or that I’m a shit person. But I really don’t care about those.
C. Have you ever looked down on someone because you thought your religious views were superior?
No I’ve never done that. I don’t think I’m better than anybody.
D. Would you rather know everything the universe has to offer but in exchange lose all emotions or remain the way you are now?
I would choose to remain the way I am. It would probably scare me if I knew all the universe had to offer.
E. If you could live and be healthy without sleeping or eating/drinking, which would you cut out of your life?
I guess I would quit eating/drinking. I love sleep way too much for my own good.
F. If you could take on the exact body and form of anyone else on Earth, who would it be?
Chelsea. To see what it would feel like to be beautiful.
G. Would you rather burn or freeze to death?
H. If it meant it would solve all world hunger, war, disease and bigotry, would you spend the rest of eternity in Hell?
Well I’m going there anyway, so why not?
I. Was the first crush in your life something you had or something someone had on you?
I’m pretty sure it was both.
J. Could you live without having sex ever (again) in exchange for eternal youth?
K. Have you ever watched a full length pornographic movie?
I certainly have. They’re so cheesy.
L. The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?
M. If you could have the ability to manipulate matter or energy, which would you choose?
Matter I suppose.
N. What was the worst nightmare you ever had?
I once had this dream that I got stabbed with a knife in a crowded area and no one would help me. It was a recurring dream I had for years that really freaked me out.
O. Would you rather spend one year with your one true love just to never see them again or the rest of your life with second best?
I would rather spend my life with the second best.
P. All the sequels/remakes/adaptations/rip-offs in movies nowadays, good or bad?
Q. Would you rather be dirt poor and emotionally fulfilled in life or be rich beyond imagination and emotionally dissatisfied for life?
Hmm. Poor I guess. I know too much about being unfulfilled emotionally.
R. Do you have any (secret) feelings of bigotry to any group of people?
S. Would you rather be the only person in the world that can read minds or have everyone else in the world be able to read minds except for your own?
I would want to be the only person who could read minds.
T. If everyone in the world would automatically only know one language, which language would you choose?
U. If you were old enough and not in a situation where it would be inappropriate, would you sleep with one of your (past) school teachers/professors?
Oh yeah, of course.
V. A world without religion, good, bad, neutral?
To me it would be pretty good.
W. The men’s rights movement, legitimate cause or laughable, and why?
I don’t know. I guess it’s laughable. Men already have a higher rank in society. They get paid more and everyone takes men seriously, especially business men, but not business women.
X. You can eliminate one of your five senses to substantially strengthen the others, which one and would you do it?
No I don’t think I would.
Y. Do looks mean anything to you? Don’t lie, could you fall in love with someone you thought was ugly?
Looks do mean something to me. But personality is way more important. I probably could fall in love with someone who was ugly. When I start to like someone’s personality their looks start to get better in my eyes.
Z. Can you understand the mindset and logic used by the opposite spiritual opinion? An atheist understanding the belief in a higher power and vice versa.
Yes I can. Everybody beliefs in something and everybody is different. So obviously people are going to believe different things and, to me, that’s really awesome. To be able to believe in whatever we want is really important.
I’ve been sober for 95 days today!
I would have never thought that I would be 100% sober from all drugs including alcohol for over 3 months. It’s all very surreal. But I’m really proud of myself. And those words have never come out of my mouth before I started recovery. But it’s true, I really am proud of all the things that I’ve done in order to obtain a sober lifestyle. And I’ve had to overcome MANY things in the course of these last 3 months. I’m trying so unbelievably hard to remain sober because if I relapse I know I will die. I’m fighting for my life right now and I’m going to continue to do so.
5 more days and I’ll be 100 days sober!
1. What is your best friends name?
I have two best friends, Chelsea and Ashley. And I couldn’t be any luckier to have them in my life. They’re the greatest friends I’ve ever had. They’ve helped me so much in my recovery and I love them to pieces.
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
Hmm… probably a light gray color.
24. Hugs or kisses?
Well if I’m with a friend I prefer hugging. But if I was in a relationship I don’t think I could choose between the two. Probably both at the same time.
I have two piercings. My septum and eyebrow. I want my nose and lip pierced too though. I really miss my vertical labret and I kinda want my belly button repierced.
42. Who would you like to see right now?
Uhm… Probably my family in Colorado. I would love to see all my nephews and my niece who was just born. I haven’t gotten to meet her yet but I will soon.
I’m really trying to figure out if I should leave this state or not. I mean, yes, I do hate it in Arizona and leaving would be great for me but how long would that feeling last? I would be in Colorado with my sister and brother and nephews and it would be awesome. But only for a little while. I wouldn’t be able to do all the stuff that I can do here. I wouldn’t be able to just leave whenever I wanted to hang out with someone. It would take awhile for me to make new friends. But the thing is I know I could get a job there in like three days. And then I would start meeting new people. But I would miss my friends here. I would miss my mom and my step sister. So maybe I should just visit Colorado for a little while. Just get away for a little bit. Maybe that’s all I need.
Stay out of my head. Get the fuck out of my head. I can’t be thinking about you anymore. You ruined my fucking life and left me damaged. I don’t want you back in my life, so why are you constantly on my mind? I’m going crazy with all these thoughts of you. I hate that you’re so enticing to me especially at times like this. Fuck, you’re enticing to me all the fucking time. But you’re so controlling, you manipulated me into doing things I never wanted to do. But you made me feel so good. You made me feel whole. You made me feel like I could do anything in the world. But it was all lies. I never really felt good, I was never whole, and you made it hard for me to do anything I wanted in life. I couldn’t do anything with you around. I was so hypnotized by you. You were all I cared about. You were all I thought about. And even now I still can’t stop thinking about you. Get out of my head, get out of my fucking head. You don’t belong there.
was fun. I’m glad Renee made me go to her house because if I didn’t I would have been sitting at my house just being miserable all night. Instead I got really drunk and played games and shit.
Now I gotta eat, like, everything in my house.